My name is Lucy and I am a serial smoker..I chose the word serial because I think it has something to do with repetitive crimes that you commit. My crime is smoking..I am ashamed, disgusted and disappointed..Four years ago, I went "cold turkey" after about 15 years of smoking..I was so proud to quit this nasty habit..and I never touched one again..if your a smoker, you know how hard that is and what an accomplishment it would be if you stopped..People with habits, rely on their addiction in times of stress, socially, with a cup of coffee or tea, after eating and even (in my case) to take a "dump". I managed to go through ever day life without even thinking about smoking..the mere thought was not even a factor..I couldn't stand the smell any longer and I was now looking back, like "what was I thinking?" they stink and they kill you..(have you seen the commercials?!). With ALL that said..I just had a fckn cigarette..and I enjoyed it..True, I have to get dressed, wait for the baby (which kills me, and fills me with sooooo much guilt) to fall asleep, go outside, smoke a "cancer stick", go back inside..take off my clothes wash up (before my boo gets home and has a fit) spray the entire house (I think thats the guilt because i was outside with the door closed), light candles, brush my teeth, and then sit and torment myself with "what the hell is wrong with me?" ( which btw I think I say that phrase too much, lol). So why am I smoking again? I refuse to buy a pack, and I can take a toke or two and be done, but the fact is I am enjoying them again..I keep telling myself, stop! this is ridiculous, you don't need them and all of this is not worth it..not to mention the fact that my man tells me the other day " i don't want my baby to see you with a tube coming out of your throat cause your dying"..so I sigh...how can I argue with that?...But what is it? Is it that I spend too much time at home and that is like my "taboo" thing..my moment...(thats an excuse)..everything I can think of is an excuse..but the fact is I am doing it..and I need to put it out for good...AGAIN!
-LR
-LR
Smoking, cocaine, heroine, shopping - they all have one thing in common DOPAMINE. Its that whole reward & motivation network in our brain and how dopamine floods in there when we cave into our bad habits. Also you might want to stay away from people who smoke, cravings can be triggered by places, people and activities associated with your past bad behavior. In the end its all about how strong you are. Dont be so hard on yourself we are all human, but for your baby's sake you should stop, unless ofcourse you would be okay if she smoked when she grew up.
ReplyDeleteof course not, I would die if she took up smoking..The first time I quit, I was always around smokers, thats the true test actually..cause for any habit, you are always going to come in contact with it at some point, so your strength is what will keep you from doing it again..true to err is human..but i gotta get back on track..thanks for comment..
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