The Love I Lost

At some point in time, if not yesterday then today or tomorrow, we have experienced that "heartache, bad breakup, devastation, etc.." sometimes you think its the worst thing ever, or you want to die or feel like you are dying, or killing yourself (insert giggle). If your lucky or like me, you survive..You definitely learn that as time goes on it does get better, it does get easier, and the "CRAZIEST" part is you feel absolutely nothing at all about it after a while..It's like an out of body experience, your someone else looking at the situation like "oh my god, that was me? I felt that way?" One of my tricks for moving past it, is thinking of the worst parts of my counterpart. For example: hot crowded train stations, with sweaty people, starting their days off as if they haven't taken a bath in weeks and there I am holding on to the pole next to them while their armpit is staring me in the eye..or rude pushy people in a haste, walking, practically running so fast, when in fact they have nowhere to be..high rents, increasing metrocard fees, TAXES, congested sidewalks, potential bomb threats, etc...yes all of these negative reminders of why its best that we part ways..but for some reason...its almost 3 years now, and I can't seem to let go..Always comparing my current life to the one I had..the freedom I have in my current relationship pales in comparison to the one I had..A very important thing I didn't mention is that I have NEVER been a risk taker..okay in my grown up life..as a child you don't have fears or common sense most of the time..but as a young woman, I was stable, its just one of my character traits..stability, steady job equals steady income, steady relationship, though single life suited me just fine too, i definitely enjoyed being single (its necessary for the mind and spirit and personal growth)..but definitely I controlled my life..I was INDEPENDENT! Then one day everything changed..I just quit! I left my job after almost a decade, my apartment and my relationship (life) in/with NYC behind.....


They say you never know what you have until its gone..boy is that true! I miss all those negative aspects of you..I really do..I still cry sometimes..Your lucky, because you still see my family..and they love you..but I no longer have you and I get the notion that you don't miss me..Maybe a little, but not like I miss you..It is unfair to my "New Love" to always look back and think of what if..like any relationship you have to leave the past behind in order to really embrace your future and all that it brings..If you ask me would I change it, I would say hell No! As cliche as it may sound or be, If for no other reason (because I really can't think of another..(again, I giggle) it was to have to experience the most important role I will ever have..and that is of a Mother..and I never thought I could, but I guess you could say, I am in an "Open Relationship".  See, most people wouldn't have it this way, but I have my New Love, My Daughter and My Old Love, whenever I want, NY!

LR